Quarter life...

25 years in a week- quarter of life lived. What have I achieved and what more do I have to achieve?

Bachelors and Master in the bag, started off on the career, love of family and friends in place- all these grace my plate.

No complains and no regrets. 25 years taught a lot and made me grow to who I am.

25 years may seem very old, but life’s journey still to explore. A lot to look forward to as each day and year brings something new.

Thank you for these 25 years, looking forward to 75 more with hunger to grow and learn as ever burning.

Praying for heath for body, recognition for effort and love for soul. quarter-life crisis bring it on, I’m raving to have a go.

Good-bye Cardiff

I finally leave Cardiff after being based here since September 2009. I came here to pursue my Masters degree but I leave having learnt a lot more. Tomorrow I will bid farewell to Cardiff as I move to London.

The time to finally pack up and leave Cardiff draws nearer with the passing of every hour. At noon tomorrow I will leave this city for good though I will leave a part of me behind. Packing up my room and my stuff in the house is filled with sadness and triggers many memories. Although I only stayed in this house for 3 months I have lovely memories associated with it. As if packing up wasn't hard enough, doing the last of everything in and around the city brings back memories and triggers emotions. I will really miss this place and everything and everyone here.

It is ironic that I love this city as much considering the city and I didn't get off to the best of starts. However I am glad I encountered that huge obstacle in embracing Cardiff. That experience made me love this city more and gave me a new perspective to view the various obstacles that are always popping up in life.

Spending the last hours in the city that I grew to love as home makes my heart heavy. This city gave me new friends and a family away from home. This city gave me a second university experience at Cardiff University (that couldn't have been more different from university life in Singapore at SMU). This city made me grow stronger and wiser and another year older. It is hard to say good-bye but it has to be said as only then can I truly move on to embrace the next change in life.

I look forward to the next change although with a heavy heart and a cautious mind. What life brings along one can never predict. The best we can do is to keep an open mind and a hopeful heart as it is up to us to make the best of what life has to offer.

Social media won’t let the past be in the past

Over the past 5 odd years social media has exploded on the internet and how. From being the exclusive "thing" for Harvard students to my mother having an account, everyone is on the social media bandwagon in some way. We know the merits of social media; keeping in touch, getting in contact with long lost friends/family, sharing photos and videos etc... But has anyone stopped and thought that these advantages not only extend to people we want to be in touch with. They also extend to people we want to get "rid" off and/or forget.

So you have a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend and the relationship has gone bad. You want to move on with life and have broken things off with them in real life. You don't meet them, you don't talk to them. You have deleted their all the sms they sent and their number from your phone. You have deleted all the emails, photos and chats you have had. However you log onto Facebook and see their photos and videos and status updates, which are constant reminders of them. Logically you decide to remove them from your 'online' life too. In theory it sounds simple. Remove the said person, X, from your 'friends list', block them or put them on limited profile.

However what about the shared network of 'friends' you and X share? As long as you have some link with X you can't truly remove them from your online social network even if you can erase them from your offline life. Say X got married and common friends were at the wedding. Photos of X's wedding would be posted by the common friend and you will see them. You might not want to but you would. It is only human nature to be curious and want to know, "So what happened to X?". Worse still another common friend refers to X in their status update and you remain paranoid about what the status means in regards to you. Even though you have removed X from your offline life, you cannot 100% remove them from your online life. Unless of course you go on a deleting rampage and remove your entire network of common friends.

There might be periods of lull and you would convince yourself that you are over things and everything is in the past. You move on and learn to smile again. However that smile is hostage to that one activity on Facebook which brings the past back, right in front of you on your computer screen. It opens the wounds, the self-doubts, the sadness, the anger and the resentment.

In social media it is almost impossible to get closure about breakups and to move on with life. That is the double edge sword, you are always connected and in touch. Even when you don't want to be. Social media won't let the past be in the past.

Age of Disposable Friendships

We live in the age where there is a disposable version of almost everything. There are disposable cameras, disposable cutlery, disposable shoes, disposable stationery, disposable packaging, disposable tissue and even disposable underwear. What exactly does "disposable" mean though? Very simply it means to 'you and throw' whatever that is disposable. Use the object for its functionality and once you have exhausted its usefulness you dispose of it. The concept is innovative and new and in line with our fast paced lifestyle of today. However in our obsession of leading a disposable aided life have we made relationships disposable?

Are we living in the age of disposable friendships? Have we gotten so carried away by ambition and by progress and by success that we now view "friendships" as being disposable? Meet a person, realise their potential in getting your work done. Befriend them. Tap into their potential on the pretense of friendship and compassion. Once your task as been achieved and your success has been attained, feel free to dispose of the "friend". Now these disposable relationships come in all shapes and sizes and last for all variety of lengths. They could be your best friend who you grew up discussing wedding plans with or it could be your college friend with whom you shared your all-night study sessions with. The friendship could also last for a few days, a week, a few months or even as long as 4 to 13 years...

Apparently it is possible to be the best of friends for years, to celebrate moments together, to be the first to wish them on birthdays, to be together through thick and thin and yet end up being disposed. How it is possible I wonder... What can motivate a person to stoop so low as to wake up one morning and decide, "XYZ is not my friend any more"? Heck with the friendship and everything with it. Heck with the plans to attend each other's weddings. Heck with the promises to be there for each other.

Maybe that thinking was alright at the age of 5, 8, 11 or even 13. But as a person matures you expect them to understand and value friendships more. It is understandable that a person cannot be the closest of and bestest of friends with every single person. However is it wrong to expect loyalty and pure friendship with people you spent years being "friends" with?

It is amazing to think that for some people disposing a friend is as easy as disposing that used tissue. Take it, use it and throw it. No second glances. No regrets. No remorse. At least the tissue knows it was made for that purpose of being used and thrown. I am quite certain human beings were not meant to be used and disposed. Was the disposed friend at fault for being trusting and open in a friendship? I thought openness and honesty is what made a real friendship. Anyone can put up a facade but then that would not be labelled a friendship, would it?

If you think about it, it is a sad world for those who dispose of friends. I suspect they are actually ignorant of the meaning of friendship and devoid of emotions. They say you only realise what you had after you lose it. But what do you call the person who does not even realise what they have after they themselves threw it away? No matter how the world and people dynamics have changed over the years, no matter how Facebook and its like have "taken over", no matter how busy our lives are, friendship is a relationship that has existed as long as humanity. There is friendship hidden in every relation. There is friendship between a mother and daughter, there is friendship between a teacher and student, there is friendship between a husband and wife and there is friendship between a brother and sister. How is it then that a relation as pure and basic as friendship could become disposable like just another sheet of tissue?

25 years of friendship and love

On the night of 6^th of February 1985 a young man and a young woman got married in front of the scared Hindu fire. 25 years later that couple is still together, bound by their true friendship and love. I feel immense pride in saying that they are my parents. My wonderful father and mother. Captain Sarda Umesh Srivastava and his lovely wife, Mrs Bina Srivastava.

It is heart warming to see how an arranged alliance of 2 people from 2 very different places in India has stood the test of time. They faced their share of life's obstacles and each time their relationship emerged stronger. They survived prolonged separations for years, they survived diverse natures, attitudes and backgrounds and they survived settling down in a foreign land.

Despite these challenges they faced they always were there for each other. They were each other's best friends and they were each other's confidants. 25 years later they are still together and as much in love. They have their own ways of showing it. I always loved how they held hands, gave each other hugs, how they say "I love you" to each other and how they adore each other in their gaze. I love how my father wakes my mother up in the morning with a fresh cup of tea. I love how my mother cooks my father's favourite dishes. I love how both of them go on dates to the movies or to dinners.

Their relationship has been very real and not a fairy tale. That is precisely what I love about them because they made that real tale come true despite the odds. I have learnt that there are problems in every relationship but it is up to us to face them and to grow on them. I would be blessed if I could have a relationship as strong and pure as theirs ever in my life.

I want to wish them all the love and all the wishes for a fantastic silver anniversary. I have not seen a couple as beautiful as them and I pray to god they see many beautiful years together.

Thank you Mummy-Papa for being who you are and for inspiring my life with your love. I wish I was with you today to be part of your special day.

The Year that was 2009

Start of a new year and of the last semester in SMU. In the spirit of the New Year she joined belly dancing classes. Loving every moment of it she shimmied and andulated her body to the funky beat. On the other hand the economic slump stayed like a black cloud on her head. Despite the despair she kept trying and reached the final stage for 2-3 jobs but all in vain as she got rejected again and again. In midst of this gloom came her 23^rd birthday. It was on the day of her club's play and she knew it wasn't going to be her way. It was an understated affair but for the single long stemmed red rose that came her way. The kid in her was disappointed alas it was time to move on. The winds of change were blowing and she could feel it.

Not one to sit around and wonder, but one to make her own destiny she applied for her Masters studies. The winds carried some good news for her in the form of her conditional acceptance to Cardiff University. She was overjoyed and waited for her final results to seal her faith from the university. Till then it was all about enjoying her last months in SMU. She performed, partied, studied, had lots of fun and made lasting memories.

However her life was never a smooth sailing one. A trip to India led to revelations that shook her to the core. Her faith in friendship was shaken and she was thrown into a bottomless pit of self-doubt. Was she that evil, that horrible? She returned to Singapore but she was not the same and neither was life. Life felt bare like someone had passed. Then again that friendship was now only in the past. Yet life was moving and she was not one to be left behind. She pulled herself together and strived together with life. The months flew and soon she was done with SMU. 4 years had passed and soon would be time to bid goodbye to life she had known till then.

Wanting to celebrate her survival of her Bachelors she flew down under to her baby sister from where they embarked on an adventure to New Zealand and all over Australia. They spent an amazing 4 weeks together and returning home was hard for her. The results came and she a graduate officially. With that she sealed her fate; deciding to fly across the seas to pursue her Masters. Now all she had was time and more time. Never one to sit idle she sprung into action. An ex-professor asked her to be his research assistant and assist him on a case study he was writing. She also became his teaching assistant for an MBA class. It was awesome, it was a blast. All this while she kept progressing in her belly dancing class. She completed beginner's level and was onto intermediate. Then she decided it was time she drove and to get the licence to drive. Driving classes experience was amazing and she fell in love with driving. Time was tight but she was determined.

As the days passed her days at home were dwindling. She was excited and was waiting. Her sister came home and it was time for family. It was fun and it was heart warming. Her ticket was booked and she started to wrap up her life. Ended the roles of research and teaching assistant, completed her driving and her belly dancing. It was then time for the driving test which she aced in her first try; a triumphant act in Singapore that was. Next thing she knew she was at the airport saying goodbye to family and friends. The excitement of the unknown was tinged with anxiety of the same. It was a long flight to her destination and it had been a long life journey to it too.

Arriving in Cardiff, she settled in her new home. It was an 18^th century girls hostels far removed from her comfy room back home. However she made her peace and soon was busy as a bee. The classes had begun and there was a city to conquer, friends to make and a new life to build. She was lucky to find the friends she did and she was aware. The hostel life was different and it was new. She embraced it all making it her own. The weeks flew and the distances shrank. Her soul was near and her heart knew. It sang songs of happiness and jumped for joy too. The meeting was beautiful though short and bittersweet. Yet there was hope with the new distances between. Soon the semester flew by. She strived to do her best and worked hard. After a long hiatus she was rewarded as she was. She was given opportunities too, research on celebrities in India and an internship! Life seemed to be telling her aal izz well. Indeed it was as he was also there. Then came the holidays, bringing the snow, sleet and hail. It was a new experience and she enjoyed. She also enjoyed the daily cooking that was her safe heaven. As the end of the year dawned she looked back behind her at the year gone. The year that was 2009 had been a beautiful, bittersweet journey of life. Then again that is the nature of life as we know, one day up and the next day low. Back home for the holidays she sat looking 2010 into the face. What did this year have in store for the girl who was never going to let go?

You can run but you can’t hide

You can run but you can't hide

You can deny but pain won't leave your side

You can laugh but the heart will ache

You can ignore but the memories won't fade

You can scream, shout and cry but you can't run from the sky

The urge to apologize

Why do I feel scared when I get happy?

Why do I think my actions would upset someone?

Why do I feel guilty for having done well in what I have?

Why do I feel like I owe an explanation for doing better?

Why do I feel anything I do will inconvenience someone?

Why do I have the urge to apologize for the achievements in my life?

Fickle minded....and hearted??

We have often heard about how one is freckle minded. The phase implying that the said person is not decisive and usually has a difficult time sticking to a single decision.

Today I watched a Hindi movie, Dil Kabbadi. It is a movie which would be classified as Art Cinema or parallel cinema or real cinema. The essence of the movie title and the story boils down to the concept of having a "fickle heart", the new villain to love stories...

Gone are the days (mostly) when parents and society stood against the love of the young. Today falling in love is no longer frowned upon. Parents are accepting and so is society. The problem now is in the process of falling in love. Apparently if you think you are in love chances are you would be falling out of it sooner or later. Lucky if you fall out before the marriage, unlucky if it is after the marriage. Or is it? Is the process of falling in and out of love as simple as changing clothes or shoes or mobile phones?

How then can we ensure that the falling in love we are experiencing is the real thing, the final change or the perfect mobile phone? When do we stop thinking there is someone better, more handsome, more understanding, more worthy and the list goes on.. How do we know the flutter in the stomach and the racing of the heart is for life and not going to stop dead when we wake up tomorrow?

Thoughts in my head

So many thought in my head fighting to be expressed

Unsure I remain as to act upon them fearing the consequences

Who will they hurt?

Which can of worms will they open?

Call me selfish, call me evil

For I don't want to get hurt more

Enough pain I have had, i need no more

Yet I seek no revenge..

Though i have never felt a stronger urge to use profanities to express myself

I feel i have lost myself in a black hole, emotionally and mentally

What have i done to get this upon myself?

I had the perfect plan which crashed and burned along the way

Leaving me in the dark hole I am in

Uproar over movies

Recently there was an article in the news about how chick flicks are degrading the female population by a negative and weak portrayal of female characters. This came on the heels of the numerous criticisms about Slumdog Millionaire. I find both these issues stem from a single phenomenon; movie audiences today have lost the sense of reality in entertainment. I mean what is so wrong about showing the reality of some women who do indeed have shopping obsessions or those who desperately cling onto a man to feel complete? Also have the rich Indians today forgotten the slums that line the perimeter of their booming metropolitan city and the slum dwellers who exit side by side with them? It is very convenient to close our eyes and say these females or these slum dwellers don't exist and the movies are unfair portrayal of the "truth" in an effort to disgrace the female population or India.

I have seen 3 chick flicks in the last 2 months; He's just not that into you, Confessions of a shopaholic and Bride Wars. I am also a diehard fan of Mean girls and White Chicks. Does that mean I am on the side of the chauvinistic males who rule society and females alike? Not at all! In fact there are a lot of movies that portray men as the chauvinistic male pigs who couldn't give 2 hoots about using a woman's body and walking away. Now does that mean that is the typical man in the world? I certainly hope not. This man is just 1 of the many kinds of men who inhibit the world. So why then the uproar over the true portrayal of the "weaker" kinds of females?

The same goes for Slumdog Millionaire. The irony over the issue here is much larger since the majority of Indians live below the poverty line. Mumbai aka Bombay has the largest slums and a large, thriving slum dwelling population. How do you expect to deny this fact? What is so wrong with showing this to the world? In fact I applaud the movie for showing how a slum boy aka slumdog rose up in society to become a millionaire. Isn't that something to be proud of? Such stories though not the norm are a true fact of the Indian landscape. Stories of boys and girls coming to the big city with nothing more than dreams of making it big. These same people have gone to achieve amazing things. Indian should be proud to have such resilient citizens who dare to dream and dare to achieve those dreams despite such odds.

I enjoy chick flicks for the humour and the madness of the characters. I even use them as a reminder for myself to not lose my self-confidence and identity as a woman. I have certainly not ran amok after watching "He's just not that into you" looking for the perfect guy and then stalking him all in the hopes of falling in love with Mr. Impossible. Movies are made for entertainment but they usually are based on some kind of reality. This reality may not be the most predominant one but that doesn't take away from the fact that it is still reality.

Featured in the newspaper

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Lamhe- SMU Arts Festival 2009

This article appeared in the SMU magazine..
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As the end draws closer

4 years, 8 semesters, 39 subjects, uncountable projects and presentations, late nights in the library, rushing to meet deadlines, rehearsing in the concourse and SESS seminar 5.2.. As foreign as these may seem to you, to me they are reminders of the 4 years I have spent in SMU.

My experience at SMU is coming to an end and as much as I am thrilled to be finally over with my Bachelors, there is a sadness in leaving the university where I amassed a lot of memories. I was filling out my profile page for the yearbook when I came across the question "What is your fondest memory in SMU?". Needless to say I had a hard time pinpointing a single memory, there are too many for me to treasure for the rest of my life.

The times spent with friends simply chatting, having fun, drinking chai, laughing uncontrollably or the times spent frazzled in the library working till wee hours to meet an impossibly close deadline. I remember the 1^st day of FA class when I 1^st met Liz. Both of us were so out of place in an accounting class and were so relieved to find a friendly face in class. I remember we found each other during the class break and stuck together ever since. We literally slaved together for FA and MA, supporting each other through the horrors of the subjects.

I am going to miss each of these memories and much much more. More importantly I will miss all the people who have enriched my time in SMU, It is impossible to think about my university days without my friends and professors. I thank God for blessing me with such wonderful friends who have stood by me the past 4 years. I just hope we can continue to stay in touch and maintain our beautiful friendship.

I had always heard that university is the best time of your life and I totally agree. I loved my university days and am going to miss it a lot!

I think that what makes this rite of passage more bittersweet for me is the fact that I am as yet still unemployed. That means that once my exams end on the 18^th of April, I have an indefinite period of nothingness. I have been working hard on filling this black hole of a period in my life with some meaningful activities. The obvious thing is trying to land a job for which the process is still in process. As would be expected this is no easy feat in the economic times of today. Keeping that in mind I have also applied for Master's studies in the UK. Other than that I have been applying for various short activities like volunteering with the Asian Youth Games and being a Teaching Assistant and Research Assistant for the holidays.

As the end draws closer I look forward to a new beginning while cherishing the many treasured memories I have of university days.

The hypocrisy of the hypocrites

The hypocrisy of the hypocrites makes me hurl.

The ignorance and the negligence of the honesty of the simple leaves me amazed.

The world is weird and weirder are the people who constitute the world.

Truth and honesty are no longer welcome, neither are sincere relationships and genuine emotions.

It is instead the world of deceit, malicious gossip, back-stabbing and arm-twisting.

The spineless aspires to rule by preying on the dumb and fooling the smart. It remains to be seen who emerges victories.

Then again is this even a fight? Forget world peace. Is peace amongst "friends" even possible? Can I trust the person who is friend not to smile and back-stab while under the impression that the stab hurts without me knowing? Talk about being ambitious...

I did learn something in SMU

For the 1st time I am only doing 3 modules. Keeping this in mind I had forecasted ample free time and a chilled out semester. It has been 4 weeks into my last semester in SMU and boy have I been proven wrong.

For each of my 3 subjects I have weekly readings and for strategy I have weekly case homework. I know it doesn't sound so bad. But trust me in the last semester I just don't have the motivation to even pick up the textbook, forget doing case studies. Frankly it is not so bad. I agree. What makes it so irritating are the overly zealous juniors in my classes.

All 3 of my classes have an ample of year 2 and year 3 students. Maybe its generation gap (yikes) or the lack of experience dealing with the SMU style of education. Whatever the reason they are the epitome of kiasu. They highlight their slides a week before the lesson. They complete assignments a week before submission. They want to meet 3-4 times to work on a 10% project. They are eager beavers and it irritates me to no end.

After spending 7 semesters in SMU I guess I have gotten used to completing assignments and projects in minimum time and with minimum meetings. I have also gotten used to prioritising deadlines with their respective grade weightage. I must admit that I too have gone though the period of 3 hour sleeping time and pulling out my hair.

In short I guess I did learn something from my time in SMU. I learnt to be an efficient worker, managing my time well and multi-tasking effectively. Now if only I could land a job based on these practical leanings....

The Year That Was 2008

The year began different as she had deferred her semester. She enjoyed working life as she interned at a Financial PR firm. The internship whizzed by and soon came her 22^nd birthday. She celebrated like the kid she always became on 14^th Feb. Dinner with friends and then partying the night away. The very next day she flew out to attend her cousin sister's wedding. It was all beautiful, it was lovely but it was all too rushed. It was time to celebrate and dance and sing but she was too sick. The wedding was soon over and back to the grind of Singapore it was.

It was time to return to SMU to begin the deferred accountancy term. That spelt misery with 3 core accounting subjects!! By then she had lost all faith in accountancy and had no fight left. She struggled and suffered through the term. Tax planning was her nightmare. In the end she scrapped through, barely though. The summer holidays came late but came with a bang! She finally secured a BSM and got accepted into for summer exchange. Summer promised to be the best of her life to date.

The day after her last exam she was off to Sweden and Denmark for the BSM. The travelling was exhilarating and amazing. The sights, sounds and tastes awed her. As she soaked in the wonders of Scandinavia it was time to head back to sunny Singapore. Just 8 days later she was off again. This time to Mumbai for 10days on her way to London for her summer school at The London School of Economics and Political Science. The 10days flew by, she was happy and free and very much busy. Before she realised she was back on a plane, flying off to London. She was excited, she was nervous. Alone in a foreign land.. She wondered how she will survive.

London welcomed with open arms and with soon she was totally immersed in her London life. Making new friends and discovering a new life. She was happy and truly content. Studying hard and partying even harder, she ventured into new places. Edinburgh in Scotland, Cardiff in Wales and Paris in France made her summer all the more enchanting. She was living a dream and she didn't want to wake up. Unfortunately all good things come to an end and so did her summer in London. She was soon saying alvida and was on her way back to Singapore. However a 1 day stop in Mumbai was awaiting and she was most looking forward to it. That one day passed to fast, in a haze. It was a tearful separation of indefinite period. With teary eyes and heavy heart she boarded the plane and flew far away.

Starting year 4 felt different yet the same. It started at a feverish pace of job applications and career talks. The interview calls came and she saw hope. She gave her all, impressed and prayed for the best. The future looked bright and she was all smiles. Then came the global economy crash which faded the future and blurred the present. The interviews stopped, the progress halted and she was even shown the door. She was in shock at the complete turn of events. Who can predict the game of God? She smiled and marched ahead. She went through classes and felt the emptiness in life. She left foreign in her own life. People seemed changed or maybe it was just her. She yearned for something to fill the void. Joining painting class she found some solace. Yet she longed to escape Singapore again. She wondered what the holidays would bring and if she would get to spread her wings. She longed for that touch, those arms and that love. The distance was hard to bear and she struggled each day, the smile never leaving her face. Her pain was hers and his alone.

December loomed ahead and she was invited to a friend's wedding. How exciting she thought.. But her parents refused. Then came Chakra like a knight in shining armour. Glad to be rescued she accepted Chakra and embarked on another journey. 2 weeks in a village living the simple life. No electricity, limited water, sleeping on the floor, cooking own food, doing carpentry and teaching kids. That was her life and she learnt a lot. She fell, she cried, she laughed, she smiled. She was glad she went; she came out a better person. Then came the trip to Goa; a holiday finally. For 3 days she relaxed and enjoyed on the sand and in the sea. She left sunburnt but happy, looking forward to a wonderful wedding. The wedding was great, she felt overwhelmed. Her friend was married, would it be her turn soon? She was happy and content with life. A few bonus days to spend in Mumbai. She seized each day and made it fun. Living her life and making memories. Then came time to say good-bye again. She cried and she cried and cried some more. Good-bye was too hard, too painful and heartbreaking; indefinite separation again looming ahead. Promises were made to strive hard for progress. Promises were made of undying love. Promises were made to meet again. Promises were made to keep the promises...

The year that was 2008 was amazing. Full of ups and downs like any other year. What 2009 holds is to be seen. Pray for the best, prepare for the worst cause life is a beautiful journey; unique for each.